Should I Be Begging God to Change My Deadbeat Husband?

Here’s a question from a reader who is going through a difficult situation. You can leave her your encouragement in the comments.


questions and answers from revtrevQuestion:

I am so much confuse right now.  I wanted to move from the heartaches and for being abandon of a husband. We just married for almost 4 years but I never felt being loved instead he showed how he had hurt me for having an affair to many women and worse had already a child of their own.

He returned to us and I forgave but again he continue with his sin.

I am trying to forget him because he left us again but i am still hoping and praying that God will change him.

For almost 4 years of crying out to the Lord that He would change him why is it he gets even more worse. I love him as my husband even he doesn’t cares on me. Is it right of begging the Lord that he will give  my husband  and be transformed. Is he not the will of God for me? I have a hard time understanding  the plans of God. Please send me a message of wisdom to fully know the will of God?


My prayers are with you. I’ve learned it’s much better to agree with God than beg him. What is His promise for you and your children, and all who are far off? I know at least it’s the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:39). There are a lot of more promises you can pray in agreement with God for your life. Don’t stop with that one.

That being said, your husband has broken his vow and his covenant with you. You are not bound to it. IF you choose to continue to show him love, I strongly suggest boundaries.

In either case, if you try to reconcile again or if you go your own way, keep on forgiving him. It’s for the sake of your relationship with God, not your relationship with him. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, it means turning him over into God’s hand. Paul told Timothy (1 Timothy 1:20) that he turned to people over to satan so they “would be taught not to blaspheme.” It seems to me that blaspheming is one of the things you’re husband is doing. He’s blasphemed his covenant, you and therefore God.

I’m assuming this doesn’t matter to him, but in 1 Corinthians 7:14-15 Paul is talking about a Christian spouse living with an unbelieving spouse. He says,


For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.


So you sanctify your husband with the grace you’ve accepted from God. Removing that sanctification from him is “turning him over to satan”.

If you’re not ready to do that, another thing you can do is stand in his place before God and ask for forgiveness. Jesus did this on the cross when he prayed “Father forgive them, for they don’t know what to do”. When we do that for people we pray for who only seem to get worse, we find they often get a lot better.

I hope something in that helps. I really felt I needed to get something out to you quickly. I am praying for you.


  • Lisa

    Sorry other thing was I have sent nice texts explaining he’s hurting me and kids and we don’t understand all this hate and he went and told boys today I told him that they hate their father and I said nothing of the sort and showed the loving messages I sent, I don’t understand the lies and nastiness at all when I am being loving and caring and trying to see he may be suffering from depression himself and we only want to help him. I pray for him two or three times daily and as much as I can.

  • Lisa

    I am in the same situation I am the believer and my husband was saved but now he hates God with a passion as we lost two children and he blames God. Recently I followed God and did what he asked me to do by bless one of my husbands sisters with a gift, without too much detail I gave a food gift out of some money I had been saving up for such occasion and because my husband does not want anything to do with God I kept to my word and never preached, nagged or said anything I just followed God. God directed me by telling me not to take food from my pantry or freezers but use the money I had saved and that’s what I did. Either way I did this I was gonna get trouble from him and God warned me what would happen and I went ahead anyway resulting that his sister saw it as an insult and she told my husband and he went crazy and left me the next day. He now says he cant live with me anymore for the way I am and only reason that pops up is that I bought food and used our money on someone else and I am selfish and took food out my kids mouths and this was not the case my pantry was stocked and so was my freezers. To be fair it was not his or our money it was my money that I saved from my older sons board money which I earned from looking after him and doing his chores like ironing etc. My husband is working now and had recently moved back in with me and has not paid any money towards any bills, the last of my money was used to pay the bills and some of his things but I did say to him that I am not being funny but I cannot keep magically paying for everything out of my bank the money is now dwindling you have to transfer some for them to be paid and all he said was I know n it seems like every time he gets paid he does a runner and leaves us to pick up the pieces. The night before he left he blasphemed God and swearing at him and me. God told me that He had to take him out the situation as he hindering me doing my work and something amazing happened a day later my 14 year old daughter gave her life and God did not want all this chaos around us and wanted us to live in peace. For years my hubby has looked after me n kids as I suffered from anxiety and depression with losing my two kids and tried to get out that dark tunnel and its only recently ive got out n are back to normal and God as completely transformed me into a different person and my husband doesn’t like it, so it seems, he keeps fetching past up as though im some monster n he has been badly done to with me being ill. So now I am better hes trying the old record of the past as he cant use anything else as I am faultless as I did it Gods way. I text him and tell him I love him and miss him and he text me back on about this money and food for others and I’m selfish and only think of myself, but I respond only with loving words and tell him no matter how nasty he is with me I still love and care for him. Not first time hes left though hes done it to us a few times and first time he went off with another woman and when I said he committed adultery he said he didn’t because we were separated and I said that doesn’t matter as you are still married to me. I still know in my heart I did the right thing about the gift and put God first before him and let him leave as God showed me that we cant keep carrying on this way. Im not really getting any support from my church as they don’t like that God is shaking things up and using me to tell them so as are stuck in their ways, God has chosen me to do this and Im going to go all out as over years never took it seriously or really grew much, as they say one leg either side fence or hot nor cold, so this time with all the problems I said to God take my life Lord I am yours your will not mine and sometimes it comes with consequences and I know God is sorting my husband out and will bring him back to me a new man with a new spirit because He told me so. Any advice please.

    • revtrev

      When people blame God for the works of the one who comes to kill, steal and destroy there’s always trouble.

      We exchange the truth about God for a lie and although we knew God, we neither glorify him as God or give thanks to him, and our thinking becomes futile and our foolish hearts become darkened. Although we claim to be wise, we became fools – See Romans 1

      Keep loving long and deep…but you aren’t a doormat. If he’s left the faith he’s already left you.

      I’m praying for you.

      • Lisa

        Thank you for your reply.

        He left the faith in 1998 when we lost our son, and he’s been nasty and horrible to me ever since as though its all my fault, he said today when I saw him he loves me but not as much as he used to do or hasn’t the feelings he used to do and it his choice that he left and wants all this not me, so recently I have agreed with him that if we no longer love each other then its for the best to part ways, and I told him today I just wanted to be friends and I am now moving on and by his text messages sounds as though he now is having second thoughts because I am no longer giving the chase and I am calling all the shots, I went as far as to tell him I see him as a big brother and he didn’t reply as he will be upset by this but over the few weeks he has gone I have done nothing but show him and tell him how much I love him and care about him by texting him and it’s got me nowhere no replies or just plain cold replies, I know God would want me to do that, but last few days I have come to realise that I have to stop chasing him and show him that I am in charge and I am saying that its over and just want to be friends whether it makes him think about things or not as I am sick and tired of the conditions and blaming me when he keeps coming and going in mine and my children’s lives. I do not know what you think of me doing this but I class it as tough love to show him and make him think what he is losing and it is on my terms and my say so that its over not his and he don’t seem to like it. What is you opinion please as you say I’m not a doormat. He cant have it all ways and be all macho that he is the one dumping me all the time as he left because he was unhappy when I was poorly and depressed but now God has changed me and turned my life around and I am happy he still does not want me n he still left,he wanted me to get better n I did, I don’t understand this at all he has so lost it, so I am getting on with it and said what I said and keeping my distance and let God deal with him and if God allows my marriage will be saved but if it is not Gods will then I accept that too, Im not manipulating him if that is what your thoughts are all I am doing is agreeing with him and telling him I am moving on and giving him what he wants that is all while keeping my dignity as he is making me look a monster to his family and treating me like I’m his enemy because of my faith it’s aweful when I actually love and care for him more than ever because I don’t just love him with my love but Gods love has magnified it for him and it’s killing me he is like this but I know I have to make a stand no matter the outcome and thank you for your prayers I appreciate you praying for me and my marriage as I am really desperate and heartbroken by all this. He keeps using excuse that he doesn’t want anything to do with God and my faith, my honest opinion is that he may now be the one with depression as he doesn’t know what he wants.

        • revtrev

          Love long and love deep. I’m praying for you. Don’t worry about others opinion so much. That’s how he’s controlled you in the past.

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