What Happens When My Spouse Doesn’t Agree With God’s Call?

Here’s a question I got from a reader. It’s one I see all the time when people pursue God’s call on their lives. I don’t have all the answers, but it’s certainly something I’ve thought about a lot.

Question:

What if you are sure God has given you direction in something that affects you and your spouse but your spouse thinks differently and won’t listen?  Or worse, they think you are using God to manipulate or control them.  Since going on a men’s weekend a few years ago, my husband is convinced I try to control him and resists most things I say! I know I am hearing and am afraid that what I consider to be his disobedience will affect our whole family in a negative way and impact my women’s ministry.

Answer:

This was one of my ministry coaching episodes, although I don’t know if I really answered it. I meet too many people who have a clear direction from God and no support from their spouse. I’ve seen the disasters that happen from it. I’ve never seen someone successful in ministry say, “I pulled my spouse along with me.”

The good news is this issue has been around since the Holy Spirit was given to all of us. It’s why Paul counsels:

I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you’re unmarried, you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I’m trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (The Message)

However that does little to help us when we’re already married. We need to learn to deal with the “distractions” of married life.

If you see your spouse as in opposition to your call, then they will be. You need to be a team. You need to be united. It starts by understanding your spouse.

Have you read Bruce Wilkinson’s “The Dream Giver”? I bought a new copy of it when I started to re-build my library but I haven’t read it since it first came out. In it he talks about the opposition that comes from those closest to us when we start pursuing a dream. I’ve seen it in twisted forms like a wife giving an alcoholic husband a bottle of liquor when he starts showing up sober. She’s gotten used to the hellish situation and doesn’t know what to do when it changes so she unconsciously tries to keep things the way they were.

When our spouse is not in agreement with us there will be a natural resistance to the changes that happen. “Why are you always at church?” or “Do you have to be always giving?” “Why don’t we ever do anything together?”  This is a resistance to change and not necessarily resistance to the things of God. You’ve get the same response if you started a new job with different hours that your spouse wasn’t really excited for you to have.

We do a disservice to our spouse when we spiritualize our ministry or destiny or calling and are surprised when they aren’t as excited about it as we are. We can easily think “they’re not spiritual enough” and start responding to them with that attitude. We can read things like Paul wrote and think, “Maybe I shouldn’t have married them.” or “Maybe I should have married someone else?” Rubbish. In most cases almost all the tension comes from a natural resistance to change.

You’re in a covenant with them before God. Start making use of that covenant relationship. It’s powerful when there’s agreement. Did you know there are only 3 places in scripture where God commands a blessing? Two of them are on our storehouse. The third is on our unity (Psalm 133). Instead of seeing our spouse as a hindrance for our God-given dream we need to understand the only God-honoring path to get to that dream is with our spouse.

So what can we do when we don’t agree? I’m assuming the spouse is a Christian. If they are a Christian:

• they know the Shepherd’s voice
• they have the Holy Spirit to lead them into truth
• they have the anointing that abides and teaches them all things

The same God that spoke to you is speaking to them. Be patient with them. Pray for them. They will clue in when God has a chance to speak to them. Consider the parable of the sower…

Jesus gave us the parable of the sower. He said:

“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. He who has ears, let him hear.” Matthew 13:3-9

The disciples asked him what that meant and He told them:

“Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path.

The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away.

The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful.

But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

This chapter is often taught as the gospel of salvation – that when people hear the news that Jesus came and died in our place to make a way for us to friends again with the Father by paying the price for our sins, and washing them away – that the parable of the seed explains why everyone does not respond.

But notice something here: Jesus was not talking about the gospel of salvation. He had not died, was not buried, did not yet rise from the dead. People didn’t have the understanding that all this must take place. Instead He was teaching about the Good News of the Kingdom. The Kingdom is wherever the King rules. So the seed Jesus is talking about is message of the rule of the Father. Every time the truth of the Word is taught, the seed is spread.

It’s the condition of our heart, not just the first time we hear about the love the Father has for us, but EVERY TIME we get the seed of the Word.

My wife has a way of saying “I told you so” when I finally clue into something. In fact it’s becoming a joke with us. I hear a message and get all excited and tell her about it and she says, “Why weren’t you excited about it when I told you three years ago about it?” The answer is “My heart wasn’t ready to receive it then.” In fact, just yesterday she refrained from a “I told you so” when I said “Let’s pray about starting a webchurch“.

But it also happens with her. The other day she was excitedly telling me about this sermon she listened to – that she had to research because she had never heard it before – when I started to chuckle. She still denies hearing it the 3 times I’ve used it in sermons and I had to admit the book I thought I included it in is not yet published so I had to take back my “I wrote that in a book.”

God will get through to your spouse. You don’t need to tell them the condition of their heart is wrong. It’s the Holy Spirit’s job to convict. He will. You’re responsibility is to:

Honor them.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10 (New International Version)

Submit to them.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21 (New International Version)

Love them.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (New International Version)

But working through disagreement takes confrontation. I’ve done up a list of rules for fighting with honor. I’ve had some Canadian readers say I should change it to HONOUR so I can include “Understand the Other Person”. Maybe I should do that. Anyway, here it is for you.

 http://revtrev.com/gives/How_to_Fight_with_Honor

I hope that helps you working through this with your spouse. It really is an opportunity for you to grow closer and stronger together. There are great things in store for you. God’s entrusted you with much.

~ Trevor