Someone emailed me looking for help. I’d appreciate your help in encouraging him. Here are my thoughts to get things started.

Question:

I need hope, and I do not feel much of it. I have been very sad as I have been married for 7 years and cannot seem to come to terms with my wife on how to reconcile. I am unemployed, she has taken most of the money and I do not have hardly any friends. I am confused, lost , sad and really do not know what else to do.

Answer:

I’ve been praying for you.

I know a bit what it’s like to be in your situation. I don’t know your whole story or all the other stuff you didn’t have time to mention.  But I do know the darkness of feeling alone and when your closest friend and you are in conflict.

…it does get better. A LOT BETTER.

Two things I can think for you to do:

1. Watch how you respond. Hurt people hurt people and you’re hurting so don’t hurt back…it doesn’t do anybody any good. I’ve got to admit, I’ve been one of Job’s friends for my wife at time. It’s not the way to respond.

2. Love covers a multitude of sins, so love deep.

7 years of marriage is one of the stressed points – 18 months, 7 years, 15 years, 25 years… when you know they’re coming it does get easier.

God put you and your wife together to be each others closest friend and loudest cheerleader.

You can’t control what she does.
You can’t demand she be that for you.

But as you’re that for her, she’ll once again be that for you.

You’re fighting each other but one of the battles is with how you receive your living. However you receive it, it comes from God. It’s not something you earn. You’re not a loser. You are righteous and holy and the good work God’s started, He will complete. He’s invested too much in you and entrusted you with so much that He’s only going to use all the crap you’re going through for your good. You will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Be strong. Take heart.

Now you might be thinking “It’s too late for all that.” And you’d be right. You’d be agreeing with the lies of the enemy and agreeing with the circumstances as they present themselves…but why not instead agree with God?

He’s made the two of you one. He’s blessed your union. It’s a good thing you’re feeling the pain. It’s worse when you’ve deadened yourself to it.

Don’t give up!
Love Deep.

Love extravagantly.

Love preposterously…even if you don’t feel like it.

Do it because it’s right and good…and the feelings will follow in due time.

Praying for you.

-Trevor

This blog post is from Lisa Hainline. It’s a challenging post for all of us. I’ve had the parable she cites re-written to include me…by someone who was hurting and didn’t know I knew nothing about the situation. Check out here blog at http://www.thehealingsource.org

I’ve had the luxury of not living in wartime circumstances in my immediate surroundings.  I’ve not seen bodies littering the streets after a bomb went off in my neighborhood, nor did I witness the awful beatings of another camp survivor, and I also never witnessed a horrific crime in a major city while visiting. 

I sometimes forget that any of this violence even happens outside of a crime show on TV, as I’ve been sheltered from anything other than reading an article on the internet or in my newspaper.  SO maybe it’s easy for me take the parable of “the Good Samaritan” as no more than a reminder that we are to “do onto others as we would have them do onto us.” (Matthew 7:12)

The Lord brought this parable to full focus when I cried out for help from our church for my husband’s porn.  We were met with blank wide-eyed stares and nobody knew what to do, nor seemed willing to commit to helping my husband outside of a short counseling sessions here and there, offers of “I’ll pray for you” and tons of advice.

This WAS the man, beaten & left for dead by the side of the road, and no good Samaritan picked him up and carried him to the Inn.

“They didn’t stay awake with me either”

…I heard the Lord say, as I wept for the loss in friendships in the church and in Christian social groups which we belonged, after the breakup of my marriage.  After meeting with 8 different pastors over 10 years, 3 marriage programs and 1 sexual addiction program in another state, my husband decided he didn’t WANT to change his ways, didn’t believe God WOULD or COULD change him, and is now living with another woman selling “romantic aids” out of catalogs.

I didn’t think I should have exposed my husband to receive the support I needed now from my brothers & sister’s in Christ.  Now, I WAS the “beaten up person left for dead”

The Lord met me, poured out to me, brought me into His presence and ministered to me as He says he would do in Ezekiel 34 when the shepherds did not “go out and heal the sick and bind up the broken hearted”.

Look around you, and listen carefully to the voices of others, to the Holy Spirit, as people ARE crying out for help and “move” when the Lord says to. There are broken and battered hearts EVERYWHERE.   And remember that Jesus told this story in response to the question: “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”

-Lisa

Truth:

I have thought deeply about all that goes on here under the sun, where people have the power to hurt each other. I have seen wicked people buried with honor. Yet they were the very ones who frequented the Temple and are now praised in the same city where they committed their crimes! This, too, is meaningless. When a crime is not punished quickly, people feel it is safe to do wrong. But even though a person sins a hundred times and still lives a long time, I know that those who fear God will be better off. Ecclesiastes 8:9-12 (New Living Translation)

Thought:

Another lie we believe about forgiveness is that “If I can’t forget, than I haven’t forgiven.” Don’t you love it when people quote adages like they’re Scripture?

“Forgive and forget” has done so much damage to people’s understanding of God and their relationship with others.

Do you realize God does not forget the sins He forgives us of?  How could He and still be an all-knowing God? Instead He chooses to not remember and hold them against us.

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” (Jeremiah 31:34 NIV)

Then he adds: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.” (Hebrews 10:17 NIV)

This is more than just an exercise in semantics. We also can’t easily forget. God has created us with minds to remember. Thoughts will pop back into our minds and we have no power over the past…but we do have control over how we let our past control our present and our future.

When memories come, of hurts and pains you have chosen to forgive,  don’t try to ignore them. Remember the whole event – including the FACT you have chosen to forgive them with the strength God provides.

Dr. Chuck Lynch in his book “I Should Forgive, But..” gives this advice regarding the obsessive thinking that often surrounds forgiven hurts:

1. Address God - Stating God’s name in a firm way forcibly stops the obsessive thinking, but usually only momentarily. It is the starting point at dealing with dangerous thoughts.
2. Thank God - Express appreciation to God for allowing you to remember the past offense you had to forgive. This allows you to review this biblical tool which Christ illustrated at the time of His own hurt and rejection “Father, forgive them…” It will also bring to mind that you have left them with God. You can thank Him that you were able to give the same gift of forgiveness you received and thus reflect God’s character to others.
3. Praise God - Sincerely praise God for the tool of forgiveness. Praise Him for forgiving you as you forgive others and for what He’s going to do through this experience for His glory.

Over time, we can forget many of the worse things done to us. But we don’t get to that place by trying to forget.

The secret is to remember the whole truth, including the fact you’ve chosen to forgive. This is how you release yourself from the lie of the enemy that says you need to forget if you truly forgive.

Choose to remember the whole truth today.

Prayer:

Lord, thank You I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Thank You for creating me with a mind to remember. The enemy has wanted to use that for evil, but I choose to remember the good things of You, including the fact You empowered me to forgive.

Challenge:

If this truth was for you today, then apply it to your life. If remembering pain isn’t your problem right now, be a light in a dark world and share this truth with someone who needs it. Walk with them as they journey through the pain.

Declaration:

I choose to forgive everyone who has wronged me. I choose to seek the forgiveness of those I have wronged. I choose to accept I have been forgiven of my confessed sin. I choose to walk in the freedom forgiveness brings.

Aren’t you glad the Bible has ancient stories with ancient truths we can draw from? You’re not the first person who ever had the wind knocked out of you with bad news… and this side of heaven, you won’t be the last.

David had it happen to him and we can learn much from how he handled an extremely difficult period in his life.

Even though David was already anointed by Samuel to be king, he fled from Saul because Saul was trying to kill him and he wouldn’t raise his hand against Saul. He hid in the caves and “all those who were in distress or in debt or discontented gathered around him, and he became their leader.” 1 Sam 22:2

Twice David could have killed Saul, but he wouldn’t touch the Lord’s anointed. So to keep Saul from chasing him and his men, they fled to Philistine and the King of Gath gave him the town of Ziklag to settle in.

David and his men would raid the towns of the Geshurites, the Girzites and the Amalekites – all groups that God told Joshua to completely destroy – and he wouldn’t leave anyone alive. He told his overlord he was raiding in the Negev the towns of Judah and it’s allies. Achish was convinced David was making himself abhorrent to Saul.

There came a time when the Philistines were going to attack Israel and David was going to fight with Achish in the battle. The other Philistine kings weren’t so sure. They heard the songs “Saul has killed his thousands and David his Tens of thousands and they suspected if he’d turn on them in the thick of battle, he could earn favor back with Saul. So Achish reluctantly sent him back.

And when they returned to Ziklag and saw the smoke on the horizon. David and his men were at the end of the rope.

That gets us to 1 Samuel chapter 30 and now we can learn what we can about hope from David’s reaction to this situation.

He and his men lost everything – all of their possessions. They couldn’t see the bodies of their wives and children, so they could assume they were all taken as slaves. It was a unexpected situation that often comes to us with a surprise phone call or knock at the door. It leaves us breathless, in shock.

As we examine what David did, we’ll know how we can hope at the end of the rope. Ask some questions now and we’ll try to answer anything we haven’t already covered.

The journey through 1 Samuel 30 starts in the next post. There’s a lot to draw from this incredible saga. I’ve been amazed studying this portion of Scripture and expect you’ll get a lot from it as well.

The answer to this question is something I need to live out regularly on Twitter – @revtrev I’m writing a book called “Follow Me As I Follow Christ – a blueprint for Kingdom Influence on Twitter” and I needed to included this information.

So far, our focus has been on understanding how you can judge without condemning. But what are you to do when you’re condemned by others? You are going to be unfairly judged. So let’s address how to deal with it.

It’s so easy to be defensive and lash out. Hurt people hurt people. But you don’t have to. You can break the cycle. Here’s how: Ignore or Confront… but Forgive and Bless.

Let’s draw this out a bit…

Ignore
Nehemiah didn’t stop his work on the wall to confront those who unfairly spread lies about him. Maybe this is the tactic the Father has for you. Ask Him and obey what He says. But be careful if it’s in your personality to avoid conflict because you may just be assuming the Father is telling you to ignore it.

Confront
Jesus confronted the religious leaders of the day when they said it was by satan that He was casting out demons. Perhaps it serves the Father’s purpose for you to confront. Don’t do this because you enjoy it. You’re in the wrong place if you enjoy putting someone in his or her place. Still, don’t back away if the Father tells you to stand.

Forgive
We’re taught to forgive others for our sake, not for theirs. When we forgive others, Christ can forgive us. Forgiveness is not an option. You must forgive. If you want more information on this, check out my booklet “The Freedom of Forgiveness” or click on the Forgiveness link on this blog.

Bless them
Let’s let the words of Paul to the church in Rome expand this concept:

Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,
“I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord. Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads. Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
Romans 12:18-21 (New Living Translation)

It’s time I let you in on the secret of how to react when others judge you. That’s coming in the next post… need to keep you coming back Love to hear your comments.

If you truly forgive, shouldn’t you forget?

Don’t you love it when people quote adages like they’re Scripture? “Forgive and forget” has done so much damage to people’s understanding of God and their relationship with others.

Do you realize God does not forget the sins He forgives us of? How could He and still be an all-knowing God? Instead He chooses to not remember and hold them against us.

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
(Jeremiah 31:34 NIV)

Then he adds: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.” (Hebrews 10:17 NIV)

This is more than just an exercise in semantics. We also can’t easily forget. God has created us with minds to remember. Thoughts will pop back into our minds and we have no power over the past…but we do have control over how we let our past control our present and our future.

When memories come, of hurts and pains you have chosen to forgive, don’t try to ignore them. Remember the whole event – including the FACT you have chosen to forgive them with the strength God provides.

Dr. Chuck Lynch in his book “I Should Forgive, But…” gives this advice regarding the obsessive thinking that often surrounds forgiven hurts:

1. Address God – Stating God’s name in a firm way forcibly stops the obsessive thinking, but usually only momentarily. It is the starting point at dealing with dangerous thoughts.

2. Thank God – Express appreciation to God for allowing you to remember the past offense you had to forgive. This allows you to review this biblical tool which Christ illustrated at the time of His own hurt and rejection “Father, forgive them…” It will also bring to mind that you have left them with God. You can thank Him that you were able to give the same gift of forgiveness you received and thus reflect God’s character to others.

3. Praise God – Sincerely praise God for the tool of forgiveness. Praise Him for forgiving you as you forgive others and for what He’s going to do through this experience for His glory.

Over time, we can forget many of the worse things done to us. But we don’t get to that place by trying to forget.

The secret is to remember the whole truth, including the fact you’ve chosen to forgive. This is how you release yourself from the lie of the enemy that says you need to forget if you truly forgive.

Choose to remember the whole truth every time the painful emotions around an offense try to control your thinking.

I enjoy getting your thoughts and comments on this.

Do we ever need to forgive ourselves?

For  a long time my response to this question was, “If the Father forgives me, who am I to hold a grudge?” But as I work with people I find increasingly that to move on in their relationship with God, they really do need to forgive themselves.

We can’t allow condemnation from the past to define our destiny. That authority to define our destiny is the Father’s alone.

Personally, I know if it wasn’t for the grace of God, I’d have a hard time forgiving myself  for near-missed catastrophes. He’s kept me from doing a lot of harm. Thinking about the pain I might have caused people I know it can be difficult to forgive ourselves. But we must.

Forgiving yourself is much like forgiving another :

1. It’s a choice you make – a decision of your will.
2. You agree to live the consequences of your actions – meaning seek forgiveness of others if you can.
3. You leave yourself with God – knowing He’s good and in a good mood.

Choose to forgive yourself now…

Father, I feel the remorse for the pain I’ve caused. I don’t know if I can move on, but I choose to do because I know you’ve created me to fulfill the destiny you have for me. I choose to forgive myself for (name the event). I’m sorry it happened and You know the pain I feel for the pain I’ve caused.  Lord, I have/will seek forgiveness from those I’ve hurt. Thank you for forgiving me.

In Christ there is no condemnation, so stop beating yourself up. Next time I’ll teach you how to deal with the emotions you may still have around the pain you’ve caused others.

You do not need to be perfect before Christ forgives you and welcomes you into His kingdom. He loves you the way you are… and wants to empower you to forgive others, to be forgiven by others, and to accept the forgiveness He freely offers you.

You can arrive at this by first admitting you’ve fallen short of the impossible standard of a Perfect God… you’re not perfect.

We’re all ready to admit that, but most of us use it as an excuse not to do better and don’t understand what that means to the reality of life.

When we say, “I’m only human,” it’s only true in the sense that we’re only fallen humans. We are not what we were created to be.

When Adam sinned, sin entered the entire human race. Adam’s sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned. Romans 5:12 NLT

We were created to be in close relationship with our Creator. We were created to not be separated from our Father, His creation, our partners, and ourselves and yet… this is our reality.

Since sin came into the world, we have been separated from our true identities. We are separated from others and separated from creation. Perhaps most importantly, we are separated from the one who created us and saw every one of our days before one of them came to be.

But that changes when you admit you’ve fallen short… admit that you’ve sinned. The Bible says when we confess our sins; God will forgive us and cleanse us.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.
1 John 1:8-10 (NIV)

This is what happens when you tell God you’re sorry and decide to live your life with the knowledge that Jesus is in the driver’s seat of your life.

When your life doesn’t line up with Scripture, you change your life so that it does. You don’t ignore what the Bible says or complain, “It’s too difficult.” If God wants you to do something, He’ll empower you to do it.

Now some of you are saying “I already knew all that.” Great. Maybe you need to share it with someone else today?

But I want you to ask yourself, “Have I worked out its implication into every area of my life?”

If you have started, then God can empower you to do the difficult things we are about to discuss. They are part of His will, so He’ll help you to do them.

This is part of The Freedom of Forgiveness available at Imagine Distribution

Are you a follower of Christ who struggles with having a victorious daily walk with the Lord?

If so, it may be because of the sin of un-forgiveness. God cannot violate his perfect nature and overlook our sin. Un-forgiveness is a common stronghold the devil has in the lives of many of God’s children. We believe lies about forgiveness and live according to those lies.

Even if you’re not struggling with un-forgiveness, you are connected with someone who is. It is possibly the greatest inhibitor of spiritual maturity in the body of Christ. It effects us spiritually, emotionally and even physically.

We live in a fallen world where hurt people hurt people. Once you know how to be healed, you can help heal others.

Other the next 12 posts we will be examining the lies and truth around forgiveness and enable you to release others in the freedom that it brings.