How Can We Have Peace With Our Adult Children?
Here’s a question I got this week from a reader of RevTrev.com. It’s a desperate situation from someone who’s trying to do what’s right. If you any insight on this, please make sure you leave your comments below. I know she’ll appreciate your help. I’ve withheld the names and removed clues to the location.
Question:
My husband has 2 adult sons and they are both married with children.
I have a daughter and she is 25 and lives on her on.
My stepson had been sending my daughter sexual text messages and they were bad. We confronted him and told him to stop and told him if he has a problem with sexual he needs to see get help. He promised he would stop but about 3 months later he woke my daughter up at 1 am by texting her wanting to come to her house to have sex with her. My daughter went to my parents house the rest of the night.
Me and my husband told his wife and showed her all the messages that he sent my daughter. She was very hurt. Well all of this made my other stepson mad because we told on his brother so he confronted me and told me I had no right starting trouble with his brother and wife. So things got pretty heated up with them and me and my husband. The last thing they told me I could no longer see my granddaughter.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told him his brother was wrong and he said his brother could do no wrong and him and his wife told me to stay away from my granddaughter because she is nothing to me now and I wasn’t family anymore.
Me and my husband haven’t seen our granddaughter in 6 months. We have tried to reason with them and told them they should have stayed out of it but they wouldn’t.
I told them I was sorry for hurting them in any way. I thought saying we were sorry they may let us see our granddaughter but even that didn’t work.
I have been praying for them . I pray God will soften their hearts.
I never seen Christians act that way especially if someone is the wrong. It is crazy.
We went to church together and now they have quit and are going somewhere else.
We have talked to our pastor and he is so shocked. He called my stepson wanting to talk with them and he told our pastor he would not have a meeting. Our pastor told him it was wrong because they won’t let us see our granddaughter because of what his brother did. He said he just see thing different from the way we see them. My stepson told our pastor he didn’t want to talk to him.
I just don’t get it. None of us do. I know I am so hurt for they way they have treated my daughter and wont let us see our granddaughter. None of it makes sense. . That all I know to say for now . It is so upsetting and I get mad but God is helping me. Thank God.
Hope you can give us some advice
Answer:
Your step-sons call themselves Christians?
I know from experience there is more involved. Usually when there’s a reaction like that to sin, it comes from disbelief, a shaking of systems, or from pain from past wounds.
If they are Christians, keep praying for the Holy Spirit to speak to them. It’s the will of God you’re agreeing with. They are His sheep they will (eventually) hear His voice.
Even if they aren’t Christians you can do what Christ did on the cross when He said “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.”
It’s called identificational repentance. We’ve seen attitudes change overnight and over time as we’ve stood in the place of people acting stupid and asked God to forgive them.
Keep showing them love to the extent they will let you show them love. Your job is to love. It’s up to them how they respond. I know you must be angry. That’s understandable. Just don’t sin in your anger.
I really get the sense that there’s more to it what you can share in an email…the reaction of the one son and his wife seems completely irrational. I would be interested to hear how they rationalize it. I suspect this might have been the “straw that broke the camel’s back” and saying sorry isn’t enough.
Can you ask them how you can built a relationship back with them?
Don’t tell them this, but it’s for their sake as much as their child’s. Too often I see the measure parents use to judge others measured out on them by their kids later in life.
I don’t know if any of this helps. Would you mind if I posted it on revtrev.com? Maybe someone else has more insight than I do and can comment?
– Trevor
July 14, 2011 @ 9:06 pm
I cannotbelieve what I have read. I have been crying for 2 days as my daughter-in-law barred me from seeing my son’s son, He was 2 in Nov and I haven’t seen him or his Dad (He did meet me half way in March to celebrate his birthday.) This is the second time she has done this I apologized once to her in front of a counselor (which she doesn’t believe in) and we agreed should we diagree get it out right away and resolve it. She can’t do it, she lives in the past and has chosen me as her target for a deceased father who killled himsellf when she was four and a 10 yr marriage to an abuser. My son fell in love with her withour becoming aware of her baggage, he loves her, we all know she won’t change. My son’;s birthday was in June and we are finally going to celebrate it Sat., however he is not bringing my grandson. There are two older boys that are hers and my son in 3 yrs has done a remarkable job with them. I love him, but I am devastated because he can’t stand up to her. This is not the son I knew. He married at 36 and up to that we had a special relationship. I know my son needs to man up, but everytimehe tries to bring my grandson she threatens him with divorce. I unfortunately cannot forgive her cruelty. She has hurt me and my daughter who was very close to her brother. She wants us both to email her an apology because we have hurt her, didn’t properly welcome her into the family. PS I gave my son my diamond ring and band to give to her, they were from my second husband who is deceased 5 yrs. What more can I do. I know this is displaced anger on her part, but it doesn’t change the fact I can’t see my almost 3 y/o grandson. I thought I was alone, but guess not. Grandparents have no rights in NC>
July 15, 2011 @ 10:47 am
Gail,
Instead of focusing on the hurt being done to you, ask God to show you your daughter-in-law through His eyes.
I see a hurt and abused person, hurting and abusing others. She’s battling wounds from the past and you’re the one closest to her to take the heat.
Don’t worry about not having rights. If you have God, you have enough. You’re fighting the wrong battle. Your battle isn’t against people, it’s against the ones out to kill, steal and destroy. If you’re with God, you’re on the winning side.
I’m praying for you
June 23, 2011 @ 2:46 am
First of all I just want to say I feel great sorrow for this family and situation..NONE of this is Gods will for anyone!!
As I was reading this story, I was very much aware I hope you are to- that this whole situation is a work of the enemy and you need to be seeing it in the spiritual realm and not trying to reason or rationalise about any of it with natural understanding or reasoning.
Our own attempts at understanding these actions just will not do because you are not fighting aganist flesh and blood but aganist strong forces of oppression and darkness that appear to be operating in these peoples lives. This is why none of it seems logical or rational. The enemy is working hard to keep you all in bondage.
Our enemy knows and is terrified at the impact a family unified in God will have on his kingdom and works hard to break families up and keep them in bondage. I have seen it so many times and in my own family as well. Satan is CONTINUALLY working to keep us in strife and isolated from each other because he fears the power and strength we have when we are together.
But Jesus tells us that satan has been defeated and we have His authority!
We will begin to see breakthroughs in the physical realm when we have pursued and received breakthroughs in the spiritual. The battle needs to be won in the spiritual first….and then we will begin to see the evidence in our lives in the natural. Winning the battle in the spiritual involves seeking God for His revelation and insight and not relying on our own reason or understanding. We can never logically understand all the scemes of the enemy because they are not logical!! He attacks any which way he can.
ANY doorway that satan has been given by us he will use to bring destruction and hurt into our lives and the lives around us.
By seeking diligently revelation and insight from God we can begin to press forward. God is on our side. I was aware of three things crucial to pressing forward, whcih I think have already been mentioned but Il just emphasise again:
* There needs to be diligence in seeking God, and also trusting Him. God works for us and with us but, He will also be prompted us to do things so He can work through us. We MUST be obedient to Him if we want to receive breakthroughs.
*Also we must battle and rage war aganist these spiritual attacks GODS WAY and His way ONLY.
This involves as mentioned: walking in love…Walking in Love is POWERFUL spiritual warfare. You NEED to be loving these people doing you wrong (otherwise you have given satan another foothold in your life and theirs).
*Forgiveness is a big part of this: if there is ANY unforgiveness in your heart towards thim: this is an open door-way for satan to work and keep you in bondage as well. When we choose to walk in love and forgiveness whether the other person is receiving it or not we have closed that door to satan in our lives and can begin to be successful in our spiritual warfare and battle aganist him in the situation.
*Stand in the gap for your famility in the spiritual realm (you have authority in the name of Jesus) and begin to speak Gods word and promises out over your families life commanding that satan obey. Resist him and he will flee. He has no power when we begin walking in the authority that Jesus died for us to have.
*Yes, this has been said to: no matter what they do to you, how you are hurt or how you feel; be careful not to react in a way that causes you to sin in any way. As soon as you do this you have opened the door for satan to operate in your life as well.
Of cource we cannot do this in our own strength. His word says to pray without ceasing (with faith) trusting God to come through for us if we keep our mind, attitude and heart forcused on Him and His goodness and not on our circumstances.
If God is for you who can be aganist you?
We need to find out Gods will for our families, (in His word!) and then we can pursue it knowing we already have the victory in Him, He has already won our battles, we just need to follow Him into it.
June 23, 2011 @ 9:34 am
Thanks Zoe. You cover a lot of needed ground there. Much appreciated.