This is a question often used to to justify not asking for forgiveness from someone we’ve offended.
It’s never easy to swallow our pride, humble ourselves, admit we were wrong and ask for forgiveness. But what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:23-26 was that we need to leave our sacrifice at the altar and go and seek forgiveness when we’ve offended someone. This is why we celebrate the Lord’s supper regularly and why I’m a fan of celebrating communion every time we gather as the Body of Christ. It allows us the opportunity, and reminds us to judge the body rightly. We allow the Holy Spirit to examine our hearts in regards to our relationships and we make sure we remain in right relationship with the Son by ensuring we’re in right relationship with members of His bride.
But what happens when we try to make amends and the one we’ve offended doesn’t choose to forgive us?
Remember what I said about Rabbi Paul? Here’s where his teaching comes in. Once you sincerely seek forgiveness, you are free-whether the other person forgives you or not. Paul wrote in Romans 12:18:
Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. (NLT)
So once you’ve sincerely sought forgiveness, you are free. So be sure to do what Jesus said in Matthew 5:24:
…leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God. (NLT)
Asking forgiveness from someone we’ve wronged can be a very difficult thing to do. But now that you know the truth, remember the whole truth – God has not only told you to do it, He’ll empower you to do it. It may be good to discuss these thoughts with your pastor if you need some support in doing what the Bible instructs you.
We’re praying for you.
Hello, I have been casually married for 7 years with two children, my marriage has never been easier as we were both short tempered and defensive, we once separated and my wife slept with another man, we got hooked up again but that act made me feel bitter and I had an affair outside the marriage, everything has never been the same again, lately I confessed everything to her and asked for her forgiveness but instead we are now separated and says maybe it will take years to heal and that I have broken everything. I now feel lost and a major loss in my life. Do I have a second chance, do I deserve forgiveness from God. Please help.
Confession is part of the process. Looks like you have that covered. Repentance means to not only change our mind, but go in the opposite direction. Good news with God is that when we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. You don’t have to deserve His forgiveness. His grace is sufficient. Tougher news is that – as far as it depends on us – we need to live at peace with all people. You’re wife has hurt you and you’ve devastated her. Maybe a better question you could ask is “How can I rebuild trust, as least for the kids sake?” Trust has to be earned and you need to prove yourself a trustable person – here’s help for that – How to be a Trustable Person
I offended someone,in December I used to stay in the hostel at Hare Kṛṣṇa training center, so she chased me away from the training center, I asked her for her forgiveness but she refused, then later I asked for her if I could go back to the training center and she gave me a condition of attending Sunday services for 6 months. I agreed to it; I have finished 2 months that’s March and April. So we have closed the school for a long holiday and I was thinking that I will continue with the 4 months now remaining. When I went back home in May I told my parents; and I didn’t know behind my back theh will question the person I offended about the six months and right now in May the person whom I offended has now refused and changed her mind I should never return to the hare Krishna training center. I pray to God to change her mind and her husband so that I will return to the training center again. May God Almighty hear and answer my prayers
The Bible says “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with others.” Romans 12:18 Are there no Christians in your area offering to help? I don’t expect Hare Krishna to follow the Bible.
I’ve tried asking forgiveness from my pastor for what I thought I did wrong–I thought I did something wrong because his son called me barely tolerable and his daughters all of a sudden started ignoring me, causing a mental health episode…I apologized and he said I shouldn’t have to apologize, but got no apology from his family, and they proceeded to block me even though he said there’s no animosity, and he prohibited me from worship other than main service…so clearly they haven’t really forgiven me.
I know what it feels like to be despised by the church, and others around me. I married a man with a past that some just cannot forgive. Jesus has not only forgiven this man but he restored this man’s life. Knowing that I walked according to Jesus and others judged me is hard. I get through it by knowing God is for me. The Pastor should not be treating you this way. It is not God’s way. If they had a problem with you, then they needed to come to you and discuss the problems. That is Biblical….He is not walking according to our Lord. We all fall short. We all make mistakes. We need to forgive one another and move on….Ask Jesus to show you…He is our healer and our deliverer. That is who we answer to not another person. I would look for another church. One that follows what the Bible tells us. This church is not walking according to Christ. Remember, it is not man we, Please, it is Jesus…..
Thank you so much. You have help me so much. God Bless You.
You’re welcome. Thank you for trusting me with your difficult situation. Keep me in touch with what happens.
Hello. Im writing because I am having a hard time forgiving myself for hurting my ex fiancee. We were together for 7 yrs. We were only engaged for 3 months and I realized we had a lot to work on. We both wewere bad communicators and were young.
I was defensive if he tried to tell me something that needed changing. He was the same. Eventually, we broke things off for good. I tried to move on. Everytime I met someone new he would show up again and convinvce me things could work. Then I finally told him it was over for good. For a while he tried contacting me until I changed all my numbers and email.
To make a long story short, I made some mistakes and then I thought we could work things out. We didnt and I know I hurt him by leading him but at thr time, he made me feel like I needed him so I kept holding on.
I now know that was wrong. He said a lot about me that was true that at the time I was defensive about. I feel bad about that.
I am now happily married to someone else and he has helped me learn how to communicate better and help me see that my ex was right about some things in my personality. I am a Christian and I know God has forgiven me for the hurt I caused but I cant forgive myself.
I recently contcted my ex to ask for forgiveness and to extend my sympathies for the passing of his grandparents.I know he doesnt forgive me and I know it shouldnt hurt me, but it does. How do I let it go for good? I.keep giving it to God but picking it up again.. I want the past to be behind me for good.Im sorry this post was long and all over the place but I tried to explain best I could. Thank you for reading and any advice is appreciated!
Are you trying to please your ex or God? God says you’re off the hook, who are you to disagree? I’ve written about the Forgiving and Forgetting Fallacy. The solution may help with your situation as well. Don’t forget…If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18
Thank you for your response. That helps a lot! I am grabbing onto Romans 12:18. Thank u and God Bless!
You’re so welcome Natasha. I appreciate people trusting me with difficult situations. I don’t have all the answers…but share what I’ve been given. Blessings – Let’s keep in touch.
We do know the pastor at the new chuch they attend now. We have talked to him and told him what was happening. He did try to talk to both of them one Sunday after church but they refused . They told their pastor it was personal and I shouldnt be telling people our troubles. Their pastor told them it should be worked out and the family shouldnt be in strife. Thats all they would say to the pastor. Their pastor told us he didnt want to say anymore because he didnt want them to quit the church. Its so terrible . My heart still breaks for us all.
Glad to see you’ve followed the right path. Keep in decent relationship with the pastor. Keep praying and never give up. Don’t assert your “rights”.
We know God’s will is for us to be reconciled.
Pray His will would be on earth as it is in heaven.
I don’t know enough about the situation to properly judge, but I do know God has restored even more impossible situations. I’m praying for you.
My pastor did go to her and want to talk with her but she refused to talk. She said all she was gonna say was I was telling lies on her . That isnt true at all. Pastor said well lets all sit down and work this out . She still refused to . She was so mad because we talked to our pastor so her and my stepson quit our church and now goes somewhere else. I cant beleive this has happened. The bible says now I need to leave her alone but I would love for us to be a family. Our grandaughter birthday is coming up and only my husband is welcome to her party. My husband said I wont go if your not welcome . That kinda makes me glad but I dont know if thats the right thing for him to do either. I am the step grandmother and now they say I am no longer part of the family or a grandmother anymore. I have kept her since she was 3 weeks old . Leaning on God to easy my pain. DK if I will ever get better . So glad my husband is standing by me to. So what do you think we should do now? I pray for them everyday and I pray for me to forgive before I get bitter .I dont want to be that way for sure. Thank you for talking with me. It is so sad.
Teresa,
I could say, “There’s a deep wound in your daughter-in-law that needs to be healed.” I know that’s true and I know it’s not you (at this time) who can help bring healing.
I’d like to say, “She’s being stupid.” Because she’s acting that way, but I’ve also been around many situations where it was reasonable for the parent to keep the grandparent away from the kids.
When you pray, don’t beg God. Don’t state your case to Him. Agree with His will for reconciliation.
Ask God to show you His plans for your daughter-in-law. Pray the blessing of her destiny over her.
As Jesus prayed, “Father forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.” Do the same for her. Stand in her place and ask God for forgiveness.
I’ve seen the hardest hearts change over not too long of time with these type of prayers…but don’t forget to pray and never give up.
Hello. This person is my stepsons wife. My DIL. I have asked her what can I do to make things right between us and she told me it wouldnt be the same between us. They have a 4 year old daughter (my grandaughter) that I havent seen in 1 year and they live 2 miles away from us. Now im not part of the family and i am not kin to my grandaughter so they took her away . i am totally hurt so bad.. My husband has tried to reason with them but they tell him only he can see our grandaughter . What a mess. Im trying to forgive them for taking their revenge out on our grandaughter. I know she misses us. I miss her so much. Why would she do that to us. Im learning to forgive also. She started this argument with me but I really lost my temper and I was taking up for myself to. I told her I was truly sorry and never wanted to this to happen at all so here we are . I just keep thinking about it and my grandaughter . Looking for your advice. Thank you
Teresa,
You mentioned she’s part of a church. Go (without accusation) and ask the church leadership to help bring reconciliation. I know a lot of pastors won’t want a thing to do with it, but I’ve worked with people in similar situations and know it’s the way to go.
For your part, be sure you can go to them without trying to defend yourself or attack your daughter-in-law. When you can honestly reach out to them to seek out reconciliation, then go.
Have you talked to your pastor about this? Would he/she approach your daughter-in-law’s church leaders on your behalf?
I know it’s often the last thing anyone would want, but biblically, it’s what needs to be done. You’ve tried to solve it on your own. It’s not happening. Jesus told us in Matthew 18:15-17
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
I’m praying for you.
What if you had a huge arguement with someone and you went and asked to work things out and ask for forgiveness but that person says i forgive you but I dont want any thing to do with you. She told me things would never be the same between us again. She was close to me and my husband at one time but now if I walk into the same restaurant she leaves and totally ignores me . She nevers waves when I meet her on the road. She and I are both to blame on our dissagreement. I want to make things right . She hasnt spoke to me in 1 year now. I hope this isnt judgeing but she is very active in her church and does all kinds of things at her church but for me she wont forgive at all .(Dont understand that) I have prayed and ask God to forgive me and the bible tells me to go to her and talk it out and I did that but she said she was done with me. I have been looking for verses in the bible explaning when a person says they forgive you but doesnt want anything else to do with you. To me I think if you truly forgive then there is a change of conduct and the realationship reconsiles. What do you think of all of this?
I think this is another case of mistaking forgiveness with trust. Forgiveness is something we do for our relationship with God. Trust, once broken, needs time to be made right.
If you want a relationship with this person, you need to talk to her without accusing her of not forgiving you. Ask her instead, “How can I regain your trust/friendship?”
It could be right now keeping your distance and being pleasant with her when she isn’t with you is all that you can do. That can change over time.
Remember, she does not have to give you the chance to earn her trust back. So be content and keep loving and praying for her. Reconciliation takes both parties.
Hi,
I recently had a fall out with a friend and it started from him. It’s a long story, but he has shown to have different personalities, one minute he is talking to me next minute he doesn’t and I feel like I have done something wrong. He told me a while back he has ADD(attention disorder) but stated that was all he had and nothing else. He is currently on medication for it. He said something to me that really hurt and in retaliation I criticized him for his disorder and said some very hurtful stuff. I have forgiven him for his words but when I asked for his forgiveness he says he will never forgive me and and will not communicate with me. I feel so bad knowing I may have left an emotional scar on him and I can not seem to stop hurting although I apologized and asked for his forgiveness. Now it’s like I am an enemy when before we could talk about anything together. How can I go about without feeling hurt everyday that I may have created an enemy against me. I never argue and I don’t like to and this is first time someone will not forgive me, although he was one who caused this with his multiple personalities.
When we’ve done everything we can to live at peace with everyone, we need to remember we’re not responsible for others actions. God forgives us when we ask Him to.
We need to do what we can to make it right. Often what we’ve done is destroy trust. Trust takes time to develop and restore. Keep showing love, but don’t keep apologizing.
MPD complicates this completely. Be sure you have the support of people who know about it if you’re wanting to walk long term with this person. The good news is people can be healed from it.
If you have family problems that someone else caused and you go and say you are sorry so that things can get worked out. IIf they refuse to accept your apology and it has been 6 months already and they still wont work things out . What does Jesus want us to do in that kind of sisitutation ? How does the person feel since I said I am for sorry and they wre the ones that caused the trouble. I wonder what are they thinking since I said I am sorry.I wonder if it bothers them. I pray for them everyday but I am totally been so hurt by them. I keep leaning on Jesus to help me and to do what is right.
I dont mean to judge but they are christains and do alot for the church except work out things in our family. How does Jesus see them ? I dont understand why they act that way.
God Bless
Teresa,
I’ll try to answer this in a blog post. I don’t have all the answers but it’s alright if some relationships change over time. You’re not responsible for others attitude. You’re only required to do what the Lord commands.
Why were you apologizing if they did the wrong? I’m suspecting it’s your reaction to things.
You can email me with more information and I’ll try to answer better.
Praying for you.
This sounds exactly like something i am going through recently. My ex sis-in-law, with whom i have never had a disagreement with in 15 years, has two children with my brother. They are adopted and i have loved them, and they love me very much. My sis in law became angry because she overheard me say a little prayer with her 6 year ols son, to comfort him after she UNJUSTLY yelled at him for something. I made no mention of the unfairness of it, I simply wanted to calm him down. Keep in mind that when the children were baptised, she and my brother named me the boy’s Godmother. She yelled at me that day, “I don’t want you talking to the kids about God”. And “you’re not his Godmother anymore”. She has been studying yoga intensely for a couple of years and i am aware that Chrisitianity and yogis don’t mix well. I immediately apologized, told her i was wrong, and it isn’t my decision as to how the children will be raised in a religious sense. I have apologized a few times, actually, and told her i wouldn’t talk to them about God. She never responded, except to say that if I want to see the kids, I should make arrangements with my brother. My brother lives out of state. I don’t know what to do. It’s especially hard that iit’s Christmas…I miss the children so much. I have been there for her, helping day and nigh, for the past five years, since they adopted them. She told me before the adoption that i would be like their second mother. I have no children (I had cancer when i was 25) and am unmarried. The children have always been a very bright spot in my life. They seemed confused the first time i saw them after this incident. My brother thought that she would come around in a couple of months. He is not advocating on my behalf evern though he is a Christian. I find it so hard to believe that he, nor anyone in her family, has not talked to her about this, and told her it’s wrong to cut off the tie with the children, especially because my brother lives out of state. I am very sad, and hope you can help. Thank you.
Debbie,
There is a lot to say on this so I might make it into a blog post for you.
The main thing that comes to my mind is “Prayer changes things.” When we stop praying pleading prayers and agree with God for people – I find things change. This means I pray, “Lord, the promise of the Holy Spirit is for me and my children and all who are far off…this includes ______” There are a lot of promises we can pray over people like your sister-in-law and her children.
Remember to bless them. Bless the kids because you love them and your sister-in-law because we’re told to bless those who curse us. Blessing and asking God to bless people changes things.
I also stand in the place of people before God and ask for his forgiveness of them. Jesus prayed on the cross “Father forgive them, they don’t know what they do.” He interceded to the Father on their behalf. We can do the same. Things change.
Our part (and yours) is to make sure you become better not bitter. It really is a choice you may need to make every time the thoughts come in that tell you you’ve been wronged. Forgive her and love her as much as she lets you and pray effective, fervent prayers because those are the kind that get a lot done.
Praying for you. Yours is not the easy road. But it is possible. Keep loving.
I was recommended this blog by my cousin. I’m not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my difficulty. You are wonderful! Thanks!
Who’s your cousin? No. This post was written by me. I was asked by many people what they needed to do.
Blessings