What Should I Do If My Ex Won’t Forgive Me?

I’ve been having some great discussions as commentators ask for greater clarity in their situations around forgiveness. Here’s a question that I thought I should discuss more about in a post. Add your questions and comments, together we have a fuller knowledge of the truth. 

Question.

Hello. Im writing because I am having a hard time forgiving myself for hurting my ex fiancee. We were together for 7 yrs. We were only engaged for 3 months and I realized we had a lot to work on. We were both bad communicators and were young.

I was defensive if he tried to tell me something that needed changing. He was the same. Eventually, we broke things off for good. I tried to move on. Every time I met someone new he would show up again and convince me things could work. Then I finally told him it was over for good. For a while he tried contacting me until I changed all my numbers and email.

To make a long story short, I made some mistakes and then I thought we could work things out. We didn’t and I know I hurt him by leading him but at the time, he made me feel like I needed him so I kept holding on.

I now know that was wrong. He said a lot about me that was true that at the time I was defensive about. I feel bad about that.

I am now happily married to someone else and he has helped me learn how to communicate better and help me see that my ex was right about some things in my personality. I am a Christian and I know God has forgiven me for the hurt I caused but I cant forgive myself.

I recently contacted my ex to ask for forgiveness and to extend my sympathies for the passing of his grandparents.I know he doesn’t forgive me and I know it shouldn’t hurt me, but it does. How do I let it go for good? I keep giving it to God but picking it up again.. I want the past to be behind me for good.Im sorry this post was long and all over the place but I tried to explain best I could. Thank you for reading and any advice is appreciated!

Answer

First off we need to remember what Paul told the church at Rome: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

We’re not responsible for other people forgiving us. That’s a matter between them and God.

We are responsible to ask for forgiveness. We are responsible to do what we can to make it right.

I’ve been accused of destroying churches, making marriages fall apart, and even causing someone to choose suicide. In each of those situations I haven’t done everything right…but I haven’t in my opinion been as wrong as my accusers. Still,  I’ve had to ask for forgiveness. I can’t think of any of those situations where the fruit of forgiven has been evident.

So what do we do when others don’t forgive us and we keep feeling bad for the things we’ve said or failed to say or the things we did or failed to do?

What I do is remember the whole situation. I can’t just remember the offense or the reaction of others. I need to remember that hurt people hurt people. I need to choose to remember God’s forgiven me.

When I remember the whole story-including that God has forgiven me-the pain of others not forgiving me evaporates. It’s gradual and over time. But I don’t need to put on mask and pretend everything is alright with my accusers. I’ve forgiven them even if they haven’t forgiven me.

Now there is still the odd day that I want to tell the readers of RevTrev and everyone on my social networks how poorly I’ve been treated. But spending time with God usually makes that go away.

There’s more to say so check out:

• The Forgiving and Forgetting Fallacy 
• How Can We Have Peace With Our Adult Children?
• How to Ask for Forgiveness 
• What If The Person Won’t Forgive Me When I Ask? 
• Truth to Meditate On to Know You Are Forgiven 
• 4 Tips to forgive with your whole heart
• I forgive as God Forgave Me Reflection
• I forgive with my whole heart Reflection
• 4 tips to live light above unforgiveness

Thanks for your question and comments. I appreciate being trusted to respond.

Do you have any advice to give the person who asked this question? This is why I enjoy this community so much. You all have wisdom to share and encouragement to give. Leave it in the comments.